guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
