I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
