even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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