He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
wow bdsm is so cute
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
