She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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