Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
