A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My life is pants optional.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
