So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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