I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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