and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
