Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
