i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
