He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Randomize
