So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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