I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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