how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
