dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
