Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
