pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
