You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
