Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
