accomplished twins. life is a go
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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