I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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