he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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