walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
