p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
