Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
