i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
