1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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