My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
