I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
