she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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