I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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