the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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