We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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