I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
