Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
