Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
