I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
