Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
