What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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