Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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