I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
