In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
