I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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