Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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