Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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