How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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