Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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