Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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