What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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