I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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